Monologues

This is my page of various monologues that I like and decided to put on here.

Lord of the Rings: One Ring to Rule Them All
(Galadriel)

I amar prestar aen. The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen. I feel it in the water. Han mathon ne chae. I feel it in the earth. A han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

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It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to rule them all.

One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the Ring could not be undone.

It was at this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword.

Sauron, the Enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the Ring of Power has a will of it's own. It bestrayed Isildur, to his death.

And some things, that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History became legand, legand bcame myth. And for two and a half thousand years the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Untill, when chance, the Ring ensnared a new bearer.

It came to the creature gollum, who took it deep in the tunnels of the Misty Mountains, and there it consumed him. For five hundred years it poisened his mind, and in the gloom of gollum's cave, it waited.

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Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of power perceived, that its time had now come. It abandoned gollum. But something happened then, the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit. Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.

For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.

The War: Life is Like a Bowl Full of Cherries
(Elvadine)

All right. I'll tell you. I was sayin' "Elvadine, what you gots to write about? Been in the sixth grade your whole good-for-nothin life. Ain't got no daddy. Never goes anywhere but where your feets take you. Onliest money ever belong to you in the world was 20 dollers you got yourself in a birthday card from your uncle last year." But it really wasn't for my birthday, really. It was for layin' over his lap an' lettin' him spank me with my underpants down.

Now here you come along, shoving' me in the back of the room, where I's can't even see good, which means I probably not gonna graduate this summer neither.

Just 'cause you read how some white man say Life be like a bowl of cherries, I gots to come up with somethin' to fit his sayin'. Well fine. I just write how happy I'm gonna be to get 20 more dollars on my birthday. Nevermind what he got planned for me this year. And I'm gonna write how maybe the new man my mama's seein' might stop drinkin' and treat me nice. and maybe he gonna 'dobt me and take us off the welfare. And at the end, I'm gonna be sure and put, "Life sure is a bowl full of cherries." But to tell you the truth, Miss Strapford, I think you, and that book, and this whole class be a bowl full of shit.

The Faculty: End of Story
(Marybeth)

Casey....come out, come out, where ever you are. You know, in my world, Casey, there were limitless oceans as far as the eye could see. Beautiful, huh? 'Till it started to dry out. So I escaped, came here, and met you, all of you, all of you were different from the others. You were lost and lonely, just like me. And I thought that maybe I could give you a taste of my world. A world without fear, without anger, without attitude. Where the underachiever goes home at night to parents who care. The jock can be smart, the ugly duckling beautiful and the class wuss doesn't have to live in terror. And the new girl, well the new girl, she can just fit right in with people who are just like her.

You see Casey, even Marybeth's feelings can be hurt by a bunch of pathetic lost little outcasts, who trulely believe that their disaffected lonely life is the only way they can survive. I can make you apart of something so special, Casey, so perfect, so fearless....don't you want that, Casey?

Casey: I'd rather be afraid!

Fine, alright. Have it your way. Cause this is where your land of fiction gets it right. We win. End of story.

Albuquerque
Weird Al Yankovic

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop....you know the place....well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy. Except for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mom would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast....AHHHHH....big bowl of sauerkraut.....every single mornin!!! It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said "Hey, Mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train and she leaned down right next to me, and she said, "'Cause it's good for you!!" Then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far-away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh-so-fluffy... where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Wocka wocka doo doo yeah. Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize... That's right, a first-class one-way ticket... to Al…buquerque! Al…buquerque! Oh yeah… You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell you, it was really great… except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time, and the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was "Bio-Dome" with Pauly Shore, and three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died… except for me… you know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up… and my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up… and my seat back in the full upright position… had my tray table up… and my seat back in the full upright position… Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! So I crawled from the twisted, burning wreckage… I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days… dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh-so-fluffy… and you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's okay, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the Spectravision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "Who is it??" They're not sayin' anything. So finally I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected… it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Ohhhh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and I'm like, "Hey! You can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation. Yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice, and you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said. It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator... If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator..." in Al…buquerque! Al…buquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest… I would not sleep for an instant… until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts." I said, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts!" I said, "You got any Bavarian creme-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian creme-filled donuts!" I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check……………..No!! We're outta bear claws!!" I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels." I said, "Okay. I'll take that." So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over. Arr arrrr arrrrh. Oh man, they were just going nuts. They were tearing me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head. I believe it went a little something like this: "Arrrrrrgh!!! Get 'em off of me!!! Get 'em off me!!! Argggggh!!! Get 'em off!! Get 'em off!! Arrrrrrrrgh... Arggggggghh!!!" I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, waving my arms all around and just running, running, running like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey. You've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. Aw, the world was our burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh, we were so very, very, very happy. Oh yeah. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie Pumpkin… do you want to join the Columbia record club?" I said, "Whoa! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again. But that's just the way things go... in Al…buquerque! Al…buquerque! Anyway, things really started looking up for me, because about a week later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler. I even made Employee of the Month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Oh yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude. Okay, like one time, I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess ear wax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty trying to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I say to him, I say, "Hey! You want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "Nooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chain saw." So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind-reader, for crying out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso Boy - so what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey! Come on! Don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Ahhhhh!! Ahhhhh!! Ahhhhhh!!!" - y'know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, y'know? Anyway, I uh... Um… where was I?...... I kinda lost my train of thought. Uh… Well, okay, anyway, I know it's kind of a round-about way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is... I... HATE... SAUERKRAUT!! That's all I'm really trying to say. And by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful, meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called Al…buquerque! Al…buquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! I said, A! (A!) L! (L!) B! (B!) U! (U!) ...querque!! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Querque!!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Al…… buquerque!

Labyrinth: Stop it Toby!
(Sarah)

What do you want? You want a story? Okay. Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl whose stepmother always made her stay home with the baby. And the baby was a spoiled child, and he wanted everything for himself and the young girl was practically a slave. But what no one knew was that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with the girl and he had given her certain powers. So one night, when the baby had been particularly cruel to her, she called on the goblins for help.

1st Goblin:Listen....

"Say your right words," the goblins said,"And we'll take the baby to the Goblin City and you will be free." But the girl new that the King of the Goblins would keep the baby in his castle forever and ever and ever and turn him in to a goblin. So the girl suffered in silence. Until one night, when she was tired from a day of housework and was hurt by the harsh words of her stepmother and could no longer stand it. Oh alright, alright! Knock it off -- come on. Stop it! Stop it! I'll say the words!

2nd Goblin: She's going to say it!

3rd Goblin: Say what?

4th Goblin: Shut up!

1st Goblin:You shut up.

No, I mustn't, I mustn't say...

1st Goblin:Listen-she's going to say the words!

I can bear it no longer! Goblin King, Goblin King, where ever you may be, come and take this child of mine far away from me!

Goblins:Awwww!

4th Goblin:That's not it

1st Goblin:Where'd she learn that rubbish? It doesn't even start with "I wish!"

Oh I wish I did know what to say to make the goblins take you away.

1st Goblin:(mockingly)"I wish the goblins would take you away right now." That's not hard, is it?

I wish....I wish...

3rd Goblin:Did she say it?

1st and 2nd Goblin:Shut up!

I wish the Goblins would take you away (pause) right now. (silence) Toby? Toby? Why aren't you crying?

Pleasantville: Different Kind of Pleasant
Bud/David
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I know you want it to stay pleasant around here...but there are so many things.....that are so much better. Like silly or sexy...or dangerous or brief. And everyone of those things is in you all the time...if you just had the guts to look for them.
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Big Bob: That's enough!
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I thought I was allowed to defend myself.
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Bob: You're not allowed to lie.
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I'm not lying. You see those faces up there? They're no different than you. They just happen to see something inside themselves...
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Bob: I said that's enough.
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I'll show you. Dad?
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George Parker: Yeah, Bud?
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It's okay, Dad. Just listen for a sec. I know you miss her. I mean,you told me you did...but maybe it's not just the cooking or the cleaning...that you miss.Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you....that's missing too. Look at her, Dad. Doesn't she look pretty like that? Doesn't she look just as beautiful...as the first time you met her? You really want her back the way she was? Doesn't she look wonderful? Now, don't you wish you could tell her that?

Spider-Man: Does Whatever a Spider Can
Peter Parker
Who am I? You really want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale, that I was just a normal everyday guy, not a care in the world, somebody lied. But let me assure you, this story, like any story worth telling, is all about a girl. That girl. Mary-Jane Watson. The girl I loved since before I even liked girls. (we see Flash Thompson with his arm around Mary-Jane) I wish I could say that was me next to her. Heck, I'd even take him. (Peter running by the bus)That's me.

The Ice Storm: Grace at Thanksgiving
Wendy Hood
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Dear Lord, thank you for this Thanksgiving holiday. And for all the material possessions we have and enjoy. And for letting us white people kill all the Indians and steal their tribal lands. And stuff ourselves like pigs, even though children in Asia are being napalmed--
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Ben Hood: (interupting) Jesus! Enough, alright? Paul... roll?

Not My Hero
Homer Hickam (Sunny in the novel)

I just wanted to tell you how I appreciate what you did for me. I know it wasn't easy for you, so.....thank you. And we're shooting off our last rocket today at 5:00, so if you'd like to come see it....

John Hickam (Homer Hickam Sr. in the novel): I got a lot of work to do.

All right. Well, I just thought I'd ask.
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John: Hear you met your big hero...Didn't even know it.
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Look, I know you and me don't exactly see eye-to-eye on certain things. I mean, man, we don't see eye-to-eye on just about anything. But Dad, I come to believe that I got it in me to be somebody in this world. And it's not because I'm so different from you either. It's 'cause I'm the same. You know, I can be as hardheaded and just as tough. I only hope I can be as good a man as you are. I mean, sure, Dr. von Braun's a great scientist, but isn't my hero.

That Thing You Do!: Faye's Breakup With Jimmy
Faye

Can I say something?

Guy: Everybody listen. The fair Faye wishes to speak.

Jimmy, from now on, you stay away from me. I've wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you. Kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all of your color and life. I used to think that was the real you when you smiled, but now I know that you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all of your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

The Peace of the Family
Oh, how annoying you are! Understand that this man has me in his power. That I belong to him more than his valet, even more than his dog, and that he has over me the most horrible rights. This Code, YOUR Code for savages, gives me to him defensless, with out possible rebellion; except kill me, he can do anything. Do you understand this? Do you comprehend the horror of this law? He can do anything but kill me! And he has the strength, the strength and the police to demand everything! Yes, that IS your law. He took me, married me, and left me. I have the moral right, the absolute right, to hate him. And yet, not withstanding this legitimate hatred, not withstanding the discust, the horror with which he fills me, this husband, who has run before my eyes from one girl to another, at his will, can demand of me a shameful, and infamous surrender. And I have not the right to hide myself, for I have not the right to a key to lock my door. Everything is his: key, door and wife! It is monstrous! To no longer be mistress to oneself. To no longer have the sacred liberties of defending ones flesh from such defilement! Is that not the most abominable law you men have established?

(Written by Guy de Maupassant)

No More
Can you honestly sit there and tell me that I don't work hard enough? What would you know about labour, anyway? You just sit there and drink and sleep, while I hunt, cook, clean, grow food, not to mention the fact that I work at that bug-ridden restaurant to keep us alive. Even before Mom died, you were lazy and cruel. She worked and cleaned to keep you going. And now that she's gone, you've turned on me. "You're discusting. You're worthless. You're lazy." Because I read and dance. Do you know WHY I read and dance? To get away from you, and this house and...the memory of Mom. YOU drove her out! It's your fault she left to find herself and remember just why she married you. And it's your fault she went on that trip and...didn't come home. And now I have to take care of you! I can't even have my own life! (pause.) Dominic asked me to marry him. I bet you didn't even know that, did you Daddy? You don't even care. Well, it's over. I'm leaving, and you're going to have to get your life together if you're going to survive.

(Written by Me, Cassie Mosher)

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